


we are shining, and we will never be afraid again

by siwona



Series: you make me strong [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Mental Health Issues, Other, im back with an all new rap, nonbinary bokuto, transboy Kuroo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 19:01:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7586215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siwona/pseuds/siwona
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuroo and Bokuto are there for each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we are shining, and we will never be afraid again

**Author's Note:**

> you can tell how hard i struggled to finish this by noticing the steady decrease in quality.
> 
> so this is mostly the two of them struggling to deal with mental issues, & mostly managing to do just that. id write about the times where it didnt really work out, but i dont have the emotional capacity. i just wanted mentally ill characters that were managing.
> 
> anyway i hope you enjoy despite how terrible it got. i dont usually finish things that get this long (which is sad lmao)

Bokuto managed to always get less sleep than Kuroo, despite the fact that Kuroo never slept.

A bit of an exaggeration, but Kuroo only got 4-6 hours a night, so there was still cause for concern. If he wasn’t getting nearly enough sleep to even exist, how was Bokuto still living?

So when Bokuto finally crashed, Kuroo was content to let him, as usual. The pillows over the sides of his head were just loose enough that he could hear the deep breathing of the person next to him, and he listened to that for two hours before finally falling asleep.

Only to wake up to a gasp and ragged breathing. Kuroo lifted his head a little, squinting into the darkness. Next to him, Bokuto struggled to catch his breath, but Kuroo’s eyesight was terrible enough without the darkness. Slowly, he moved an arm to the bedside table, turning the lamp on the lowest setting.

“Bo?” Kuroo rasped, keeping as quiet as possible. He got a whimper in place of an answer, so he shifted closer, trying to see the other’s face. “Hey, what’s going on?”

Bokuto turned on his side, facing Kuroo. His fingers peeked out from under the blanket, searching for comfort, and Kuroo offered his hand. When their fingers were sufficiently intertwined, and Kuroo was brushing his lips against each knuckle, Bokuto spoke up. “Nightmare,” he whispered. “It’s… the same one.”

Silent, Kuroo listened to the other stumble through his dream, slowly moving closer until he could place his head on the other’s shoulder. He unearthed his other arm from the sheets and ran his fingers through Bokuto’s hair. It was one of the only soothing gestures he knew helped calm him down in times like these, even if it was only a little.

When Bokuto finished, Kuroo pulled him closer until their limbs were tangled together. “Hey. Thanks for telling me.” He paused for a few moments, gently working through a tangle in Bokuto’s hair. “You know, my mom always told me that if you tell someone your nightmares, then they for sure would never come true.”

They laid there in silence for a bit, till Bokuto’s breathing went back to normal and his sniffles were less frequent. Kuroo pulled back a little and tapped Bokuto’s cheek lightly. When the other gave a little nod, he pressed a gentle kiss to the soft skin where his fingers were. “Feel better?”

“A little,” Bokuto mumbled.

“Do you think you can go back to sleep?” At the shake of his boyfriend’s head, he buried his face into his pillow, giving himself a moment to take a deep breath. He knew how Bokuto got when left alone, and while Kuroo had frequently fallen asleep anyway, he currently had more empathy than usual. “’Kay. We can do something.”

“You don’t have to stay up for me,” Bokuto said, but his face said that he would be displeased if Kuroo went to sleep on him. As he expected.

Kuroo gave the other a small smile as he got up. “How else would we quote Howl’s Moving Castle to each other?”

That wouldn’t be enough to pull Bokuto out of a low mood, and they both knew it. But the soothing soundtrack and the familiarity of the movie was calming enough to both of them to help them fall back asleep eventually.

So Kuroo put on the movie, made hot chocolate, and relaxed.

 

Kuroo giggled as fingers trailed down his sides. The mischievous grin on his boyfriend’s face showed that that was a mistake, as the fingers moved back up to dig in relentlessly. “No,” he exclaimed, but even as he tried to grab at Bokuto’s arms, he was fine with this. Laying here, naked, with his overly affectionate partner, warm and happy and loved.

It wasn’t always like this; Bokuto was known to go overboard, and Kuroo had bad memories of tickling. But right now he was fine.

Bokuto leaned down to press a chaste kiss to Kuroo’s jaw, laughing at his red face and his breathlessness. “You’re beautiful,” he murmured against his skin, and then he grabbed his knees and spread his legs.

_You’re beautiful, you know that?_

“Tetsurou?” Kuroo inhaled sharply, looking up to meet concerned, amber eyes. “What’s wrong? Did I do something…?”

“No,” he said, refusing to let the other blame himself for a random flashback. Wrapping his arms around Bokuto’s neck, he pulled his boyfriend close. “Sorry, Kou, just… give me a moment.”

Kuroo took deep breaths, trying to calm his rapid heartbeat. Letting past events control him went against everything he stood for. He had to be strong; he had to overcome. It didn’t matter how dirty he felt. He was with his boyfriend, Bokuto, who understood him, knew what he was going through. He was better than this, and he wouldn’t let anything control him ever again.

Pulling away a little, he forced himself to relax. “’M good now.”

“Are you sure?” Bokuto asked. “We can stop.”

Kuroo shook his head. “I’m sure. Can I kiss you?” The other hesitated before nodding, and Kuroo leaned in, lightly pressing their lips together. His teeth grazed Bokuto’s bottom lip as he pulled away. “Good?” he asked, just making sure, because he knew how his boyfriend felt about kissing.

“Mhm. Tetsu,” Bokuto said, concern still all over his face, using Kuroo’s first name because he knew it helped ground him. It felt like the more it was said aloud, the more he felt comfortable in his own skin, and Kuroo showed his appreciation by running his fingers through Bokuto’s hair. “Tetsu, I want to go down on you.”

Heat rushed to his groin, and he tugged a little at the hair in his hands. “Oh. Yes, please.”

Bokuto kissed his way to Kuroo’s chest, stopping along his sternum for permission (“For now,” Kuroo said. “I’ll let you know if I feel different later.”) before moving toward his nipples. “What, begging already? I haven’t even done anything yet.”

“Oh, you wish,” Kuroo laughed, but then Bokuto’s hands were on him, squeezing his chest and trailing down to brush against his clit. He lost himself in his boyfriend’s touch, and his mouth, letting his discomfort from earlier wash away.

 

“I… are you serious right now?” Kuroo asked, shaking as he tried to control his anger. “You just volunteered me without even asking?”

His dad sighed on the other end, as if what Kuroo was saying was tiring him out. “Yes. Sorry it’s so last minute, but you’re closer, and he doesn’t have a car to get to the cabins. Besides, I don’t like him enough to be in a car with him for hours.”

Gritting his teeth, Kuroo said, “And you think I do?” Before his father could respond, Kuroo groaned in disgust. “Whatever. I’ll do it. Since you already decided this for me. But if I end up driving the car off a cliff, you’ll know it was your fault.”

Bokuto approached him warily, waiting for him to stop pacing before wrapping his arms around him. They stood there, Bokuto rubbing small circles into Kuroo’s back as Kuroo slowly leaned his full weight onto him. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” Kuroo breathed, nuzzling his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I have to drive That Thing to the reunion, but I’ll be okay.”

“What?” Hands pulled him back, and his boyfriend stared incredulously. “That’s such a douche thing for your dad to do to you!”

Kuroo pulled away completely and decided to pack to get rid of his restlessness. “Yep. I’ll be calling you a lot during this trip. Hey, come help me pack.”

“Sure! And won’t you be calling me a lot anyway?”

Grinning, he looked up from his dresser. “Yeah, but now I’ll be calling so often, you’ll get tired of me.” With a laugh, he turned around and tackled Bokuto to the bed. “I’ll talk to you every second of every day, and I won’t let you go!”

“Tetsu!” Bokuto rubbed his face against Kuroo’s. “You’re so clingy, I love it. I love _you_.”

“Aw, even though I’m a needy fuck? I love you too.”

“ _My_ needy fuck. I mean, I’m the same way, so like, relatable. Speaking of fuck…”

Kuroo snorted as his boyfriend flipped their positions. “Insatiable. But,” his legs wrapped around Bokuto’s waist, pulling him close, “I guess I don’t have to pack right this second….”

 

It wasn’t until they made it back to the house that Bokuto spoke. “I think Tsukki hates me,” he said, biting his nails on the hand that wasn’t holding Kuroo’s. “All I do is bother him.”

“That’s not true,” Kuroo immediately replied, “but I can see why you think so.” He pulled the other toward the kitchen, sitting him down in a chair before moving to prepare a dessert. “He has a hard time showing that he cares, and when he does, it’s in that tsundere way, so you won’t know.”

Bokuto kept silent and continued bite at his nails. Kuroo knew it was because he didn’t believe him; they’d been through this time and again, and it never got easier, for either of them. “I guess it’s a little hard to believe, especially since Tsukki is Tsukki, but he does care about you. You know, for your birthday, he came to me for help. He was really worried about getting you something you’d like.” Kuroo chuckled. “And he enjoys your company, otherwise he wouldn’t hang out with you. Yamaguchi told me that one.”

The oven beeped to let him know that it was done preheating, and Kuroo placed the premade pie inside. “Hey,” he stepped over to where Bokuto was, gently tugging on his hand. “Lemme paint your nails?”

“That won’t stop me from biting,” Bokuto said with a frown.

“Yeah, but I’ll make it look pretty.” Kuroo tapped Bokuto’s forehead, and at the nod, pressed his lips there gently. “What color do you want?”

Bokuto’s brow furrowed as he looked at his hands. “… Glitter.”

“No base color?”

“No. Glitter. Pink glitter,” he added. Kuroo trailed his fingers across Bokuto’s brow, smoothing it out before moving on to his cheeks, reverent and loving. “That’s gay, my man.”

With a snort, Kuroo said, “Have I got a surprise for you. Turns out, dude, that I’m,” he lowered his voice to a whisper, “really fuckin’ gay for you.”

Bokuto huffed out a laugh, lacking the energy to do much more than that. “Well, that’s good, since we’re dating and all. Go get the nail polish, you nerd.”

“I’m zoomin’. Like Sanic. Gotta go fast.” Kuroo laughed as he avoided the spoon thrown in his direction, rushing out of the room to his nail art collection.

 

“What do you think?” Bokuto twirled, showing off the way the skirt flowed. “Do you think it looks okay?”

Sitting in the corner of the dressing room, Kuroo tried to pretend he didn’t want to sink into the floor. “It looks good, Bo. Nice color. I liked the other one better though.”

“Hm…” Bokuto stared at himself in the mirror for a few more seconds before undressing, putting his own clothes back on and leaving Kuroo to put the skirts he tried on on the hangers. “Yeah, I’ll buy the floral one then!”

They left the dressing room, and Kuroo hurriedly put the unwanted clothes on the rack nearby, passing the skirt and the lipstick picked out earlier to Bokuto. Looking at no one, he lead the way to the cashier, hoping that Bokuto wouldn’t get distracted again.

The cashier glanced Kuroo’s way when Bokuto put his items on the counter, and he felt his ears burn as he stared her in the eye, letting out a small sigh when she moved to check them out with much incident.

“You didn’t want anything?” Bokuto asked on their way out. Kuroo tensed, causing Bokuto to frown. “Oh. Sorry, I… shouldn’t have…”

Kuroo shook his head. “No, it’s fine. Just… not today. I’m glad you found something you liked though; it looks great.”

A smile erupted on Bokuto’s face, and he grabbed Kuroo’s arm excitedly. “Thanks! Hey, I know! We can go get coffee. Since you had to deal with being in that shop.”

“We don’t have to….”

“Are you really turning down coffee that I’m going to pay for?”

“Oh, well, in that case….”

 

When Kuroo breathed, “Kiss?” into the crook of Bokuto’s neck, he felt the flinch that answered him before the words could.

“Not… not there.” He leaned back to brush his fingers against the other’s bottom lip in silent question. “I…” The unease on Bokuto’s face made it clear that he wanted to say no and was going to say yes. Kuroo’s fingers moved to flick him in the nose. “Ow! What the fuck, Tetsu?”

Kuroo gave him a pointed look. “Be honest with me, Kou. I won’t hate you for it.”

They stared at each other for a few moments as Bokuto tried to swallow the lump in his throat. “Okay. Not the lips… but… somewhere else would be okay.”

With a small smile, Kuroo placed a light kiss to Bokuto’s nose, then to his cheek. “Thank you.” He wiggled until his face was buried in the other’s shoulder like before.

“Sorry. I ruined the mood.”

As he dug his arms between Bokuto’s back and the couch, he replied, “You did no such thing. The mood is just fine. Cuddle me back.”

“It’s a little too hot for cuddling, isn’t it?” Bokuto asked, but he still wrapped his arms around Kuroo’s shoulders.

Kuroo huffed. “ _You’re_ too hot for cuddling.”

With a laugh that shook both of them, Bokuto said, “Was that supposed to be a comeback? Besides, you’re the one with the ridiculously high body temperature. Unless you were trying to say that I’m sexy.”

“I was.” He sat up to waggle his eyebrows.

“Oh,” his boyfriend blushed, “I was just joking.”

Kuroo grabbed Bokuto’s face. “You’re sexy, dude. Really sexy. Sometimes I look at your thighs and get instantly horny. Or your biceps. Or your face. Or…”

“I get it,” Bokuto exclaimed, face a vibrant pink. “You’re so embarrassing.”

Smiling softly, Kuroo booped his boyfriend’s nose. His hands were warm from Bokuto’s heated skin, and he brought them close to the other’s chest, feeling his heart beat as he settled down. “Only for you.”

 

It’s thirteen minutes past the time he said he would show up, but Kuroo didn’t care, swinging his car wildly into a parking spot near the apartment complex. The Thing was already outside, and he waved before grabbing his luggage and shoving it in the backseat.

“Hey,” he said, getting in the car, “it’s been a while! How have you been?”

“Fine.” Kuroo tapped his nails on the gear shift before putting it in reverse, already irritated. “Ready?”

The Thing smiled and reached behind him to grab the seatbelt. “Yep! I’m so excited, S…”

Kuroo stepped on the gas, causing the other to lurch forward and hit the dashboard. “Do not,” he dug his nails into the wheel, next to marks old and new, “call me by that name. My name is Tetsurou.”

“So you’re really… transsexual? Like, your…”

“My body and what I do with it is none of your fucking business. I’m a boy. That’s all you need to know.” Kuroo put the car in drive, starting the long trip that he already regretted agreeing to go to.

Incapable of staying silent for long, The Thing lasted a minute before speaking again. “I see you still keep your nails long though. Nice color.”

With a sidelong glance at the scar on That Thing’s cheek, Kuroo laughed in a way to let the other know that he was thinking about what would have happened if his aim had been better. “I like having a weapon on me at all times. Anyway, my boyfriend picked out the colors; we’re matching to be as gay as possible even when apart.”

The Thing kept his mouth shut, absently raising a hand to his scar. Kuroo took this as a win, gleefully turning up the music loud enough to drown out any further conversation.

 

Lingering on the edges of the ring of people, Kuroo pretended to be part of the conversation. His family was just so fucking boring; how was he supposed to focus on his aunt’s new boyfriend or his cousin’s work in the military? He didn’t give a shit.

When he glanced at his phone for the twentieth time in as many minutes, his dad took notice. “Uh… Tetsurou.” Kuroo winced but looked up. He took some extreme measures to get his family to call him that, and he wasn’t going to fuck it up by not responding to it. “You waitin’ on a call from your boyfriend?” His dad grinned, ready to tease him.

“No,” Kuroo replied, but the rest of his retort was interrupted by a phone call.

“Is that a call… from your boyfriend?” His shit-eating grin got wider.

“Shut up.” Kuroo answered the phone, quickly moving away from the noise. “Hold on, I’m going to a quieter room.” Once he made it to the room he was staying at, he sighed in relief and said, “Sorry about that, Bo.”

Bokuto hummed. “Sorry if this is a bad time.”

“No time is a bad time. I’m glad you called.” There was silence for a bit, and the two of them listened to the other breathing. “How are you holding up without me there?”

With a heavy sigh, Bokuto replied, “I miss you. I wish you were here.”

Kuroo basked in the feeling of his heart clenching, warmth spreading in his chest as he smiled. “I miss you too. I haven’t even been gone a day, and I already miss holding your hand and snuggling up to you on the couch and running my fingers through your hair.”

“Aw, Tetsu, that’s gay.”

“Can’t help it. I love you so much, I can’t hold all my gayness back.”

Bokuto giggled. “Love you too!”

“I guess it could be worse. I could have no service, and then I wouldn’t be able to hear your adorable laugh.”

“Tetsu!” They laughed for a little bit. “Okay, so, I was watching Howl’s Moving Castle again…”

Kuroo gasped. “Without me?”

“Yeah, and I regret it, because my loneliness increased like tenfold, so I thought, hey, we could watch it together online! So I called, because, like, talking through the laptop wouldn’t be as great. But… you’re probably busy with family stuff….”

“No, no! I’m done with family right now; I don’t wanna see them for the rest of the day. Let’s watch this movie.” Kuroo took out his laptop from his bag, throwing himself on the bed. “By the way, have I said that I love you yet? Because I do. So much.”

“You have, you goober, both this morning and five minutes ago. But you can say it more, I won’t mind.”

“You just want attention!”

Bokuto laughed. “You got me there.”

With a snort, Kuroo said, “Well, at least you admit it. That’s fine; I’ll give you all the attention.”

“Tetsurou,” Bokuto said, sounding abruptly serious, “I love you more than anything.”

Kuroo smiled. “Yeah. Me too.”

“That better be about me and not about you…”

“Hm, I wonder…”

“You _just_ said you love me!”

“Haha, sorry, you’re right, I love you.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”


End file.
